Where am I going?

I’ve been thinking a lot about life recently, my own in particular. I look at the people around me who seem to have everything together, they look as though they have it all neatly figured out. Then I look back at myself and wonder why I am nowhere close to that type of neatness. My life feels like it’s in shambles. The best way to explain it would be hoarders buried alive, except in my brain-though my room is starting to resemble that  sort of mess at this point as well.

I have nothing figured out and I am so discouraged. By now I thought I would be so much further a long than I am. Further a long to where is a question I am still trying desperately to figure out, but by now I thought I would at least know the destination and be in route to it.

I want so many things in life, more accurately, I want to improve so many areas of my life. I feel as though I have an internal checklist of accomplishments and improvements I must make before any giant leaps into the unknown start taking place. I have an incredible lust for life-but I am too scared to truly pursue it until A,B and, C are accomplished. Which, truthfully are just roadblocks I am haphazardly placing in my own way.

The question I often ask myself is, am I living the life I want to be living?

Recently the answer has been a resounding, no.

Then I ask myself why. Why am not creating the life I want???

And to be honest I truly do not know.

Lately I have been feeling very stuck. As though all progress for me has halted for some unknown reason, it’s like trying to sprint in quicksand. Meaning I am (at least in my mind) putting in a tremendous amount of effort but not moving even an inch. Sometimes I feel like my life is happening all around me and I have zero participation in it. I’m just trying to keep my head above water and waves keep crashing over me. I feel like I’ve lost control and I am on the side lines watching it all play out before me. It’s exhausting and so frustrating. Especially when social media is flooded with people living a life in which I aspire. It seemingly comes so easily to them and I can’t help but question. What am I doing wrong?

I consumed with self doubt, drowning in my own insecurities and meaningless checklists. I think that it’s important I admit that. I have no idea what the hell I am doing and I am scared and cowering inside my own comfort zone.

Yet at the same time something is brewing inside me. Finally I am craving growth over comfort and I am ready to leap-I just don’t know to where. Until I can figure that out the question I keep asking myself everyday, is, am I living the life I want?

Still answering no, but instead of retreating to a place of comfort and moping I am trying to pin point why I am unhappy and do something, even if it is incredibly small, to set myself on the right path. What can I do today that will delight and enrich the memories and life of my 90 year old self?

Growth is painful, but there is beautiful pleasure to be found in the pain. I am ready to reach, and fall, to fail, and to fly. Change is uncomfortable but I am itching for it. I don’t know where I am going but I know it’s not where I currently reside (buried deep inside my comfort zone). Because a life lived in your comfort zone is no life at all.

Here’s to taking leaps even when you’re confused. Here’s to living life fully even though it makes no sense.

Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

-Jess♥

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